🥓 Hey, Friend! You’re doin’ great! 🥓

Knowing Our Friends & Being Understood

Part 2 of Defining “Friend”

Last we began to define and understand “Friend” and why it’s important. Knowing and being known is 1 of 3 parts of our Friend DNA.

You want to be known. Not just your facts and figures, but you and I want a group of friends who “get us.” More than that, we want to trust someone with our stories.

I started looking into this idea of knowing our friends thinking it would be a simple matter of “whys,” “tools,” and a sprinkle of motivation. We will talk about those items this week.

But, guys, there is a bigger issue at stake, and I don’t have a solid answer.

The world is changing and men don’t know what to do. I believe this with my entire being. Families, cultures, and societies are shifting and changing and the role of men is caught in the crosshairs. I know this part.

The role of men as information protectors and identity makers is part of the masculine shift. How we get to know one another, to understand another man, and to make ourselves understood is taking on new social forms.

I’m going to share a seed of thought with you at the end of the newsletter and I’d love your feedback.

This Week’s Men’s Friendship Factor:

• Why Knowing Our Friends Is Important

• Being Known—Controlled Vulnerability

• Two Parts of Knowing and Being Known

• Stories Tell More than Descriptions

• Action Corner

• 3 Resources

• Male World Thinking Seed

Why Knowing Our Friends Is Important

Guy’s Intuition. Yes, sir, it’s a real thing. Our male intuition is different than the more (in)famous female variety. Guys can automatically size up another guy in a lot of ways.

In our younger years it’s brutally simple and blunt: “Can I take this guy?”

Followed by qualifiers of how much it will hurt, who is around to help him or me, and other important questions. By the way, this is a scientific fact. Guys size each other up first as a threat and then for trust.

But we are not born this way. Boys are born with the same relationship capacity as girls. Early grade school was all about making friends and then we hit the late grade school years and we are suddenly aware of ourselves and others in a deeper way.

A hot topic right now is how much of that shift in Guy’s Intuition comes from culture and how much comes from biology. Honest moment #1—we know testosterone has made all of us stupid at least once in our lives. Honest moment #2—we all have done some “guy thing” against our better judgment because we felt it was expected of us.

Our guy problem in a nutshell—we don’t easily return to trust and then assess threats. Communication gaps happen because we don’t want and know how to address them. Seriously, am I the only married man that assumed my wife knew stuff that my guy friends would automatically just know? (At least that is true in my mind…)

And therein lies part of our problem. Knowing someone is a way to build trust. When we flip the coin onto the other side, knowing a person well keeps that person from being a threat.

My head is spinning because that is backward from the way I naturally think, feel, and process life.

But here are three guaranteed results that come from having a safe process for knowing a friend and letting him get to know you.

• Evaluate how deep the relationship can go

• Is this dude bad news or even, (gasp) Toxic?

• Sharing and receiving the right information at the right time and place.

Cool. Those are the threats that I don’t want in my friendships. How do I make it happen? Glad you asked…

🔦 Controlled Vulnerability

“Vulnerable” is the new “authentic” is the new…whatever catchphrase.

And dang it, there is no way to make a meaningful relationship without sharing pieces of our soul. Call it whatever you want, but it’s generally difficult, uncomfortable, and unfamiliar ground. Even that guy you know who “overshares” is still hiding parts of his life that he doesn’t want you to see.

I needed to be in control of how I shared my emotions, beliefs, ideas, and stories. I made up the term “Controlled Vulnerability” and I like it. I share parts of what I’m thinking with the right people. It helps me to realize that I’m responsible for the soulwork in my friendships.

The old decision-making matrix of John Maxwell applies to Controlled Vulnerability. The right thing done at the right time in the right way is the right decision. 

Three consequences of Controlled vulnerability.

• Take the lead in conversations. You know what you are doing and expect as you size up people. You need to go first and let people get to know you.

• You are now required to share uncomfortable things with your better friends. Why…that’s where your friendship growth comes from. You know the old saying, “Mountain top experiences are great. But the mountains are bare of life. All the life grows in the valleys.”

• Control the Speed of Trust. Trust happens as we build our lives toward one another. Because we are controlling our vulnerability and leaning a little bit toward our friend, we are changing the speed.

Those are all good things my friend!

So what are you going to discover in the valley? Glad you asked, cowboy! 🤠

2 Ways To Know Your Friends

Let’s get rid of this kind of magical thinking: “I’ll just know. He’ll just know.”

Nope. We are going to be more disciplined and controlled in what we learn and share with our friends. We are in charge of the speed of getting to know people because we go first. We are going to share pieces of ourselves with friends based on how much we trust them.

Type of Information #1: Real, Objective Information

The basics that can’t be disputed, are easy to share, and important. This type of stuff:

• Name

• Address

• Contact Information

• Family Members

• Where they work

• Marriage status

• Hobbies

• Faith

• Where they grew up

CONFESSION: I’m bad at getting this type of info and it drives my detail-oriented wife crazy. I used to forget to ask about simple things thinking that “small talk” doesn’t really matter. I’ve changed as I’ve gotten older. Why?

We glean a lot from a person by knowing the basics.

We get a context of where the guy sitting across from us (ok usually next to us, but that’s another topic we’ll discuss), is coming from. We learn just a little about his past family life knowing where he came from, what his parents did for a living, etc. We know what he is doing now and how stable he is.

You don’t need to be a crazy investigator or act like a clueless Columbo to learn about someone. Remember, you go first. Share this type of info, ask, “So, whadda ‘bout you?” and wait.

Simple, important, and only as threatening as you make it.

Type of Information # 2: Shared Experiences

• School

• Hobbies

• Interests

• Vacations

• Road Trips

• Work

• Hanging out times

Unique moments you share with your buddy and do the “male bonding” thing. Lives become intertwined the more we share and spend time in each other’s presence.

Here’s the cool thing. You are making stories and learning about each other. When you share these stories with your buddy, you also learn about yourself and the way he sees you.

Guys, sitting around and remembering the past is important. Not only does it reinforce relationships, but we have a chance to grow.

Stuff You Will Learn and (AHEM)…Need to Pay Attention To

Objective information and sharing experiences in our Controlled Vulnerability will give us pieces of our friend’s soul.

• Personal Stories

• Likes

• Dislikes

• Dreams

• Values

• Hurts

And remember, you get to go first. Lead by taking the first risk.

Stories Tell More Than Descriptions

Super short section and a reminder: Stories are the best way to show and not tell.

Talking about ourselves can feel like confession or therapy. Gross. We are making friends and sharing life with somebody we actually like!

So share a story first.

Refer back to this issue where we talked about stories and building trust.

Action Corner

🔴 STOP—Assuming you will just know your friend.
🔴 STOP—Assuming your friend will “get you.”

🟠 SLOW DOWN & THINK—What is the status of your Guy’s Intuition? How does “Controlled Vulnerability” hit you? Spend some time thinking about how those two things can help you and keep you from knowing your friends.

🟢 GO, GO, GO—Share and learn 1 new thing about a friend this week. Make a plan (I do mean write this down) that describes your Time of Knowing. Your friend’s name, when you contact them, how you will contact them, what you want to share, and a question you want to ask them to learn something new.

3 More Resources

Funny, but we know a guy or two like this. A Buzzfeed article I ran into has too many ads and is annoying on many levels. But I kept reading. Why? It’s about an extremely socially awkward guy who learns how to make a friend.

If he can do it, anyone getting this email can do it AND you can help someone like Mr. Awkward.

Loneliness cost businesses in the USA $154 Billion in productivity on an annual basis. I’ve seen other studies and this one is more conservative. The bottom line…er…is that loneliness hits our wallets.

41-second YouTube video defining social health. Keep an eye on this growing trend. Like most trends, there is a very positive aspect of considering social connections in our overall health and well-being. On the negative side, people want to get into social engineering without thinking about the good parts of current social structures. Men and boys will be caught up in this emerging discussion.

Speaking of which…

🌱 Male World Thinking Seed 🌱

WARNING: Free Flow Thinking Ahead…You Are Warned!

Information is part of establishing and keeping power. People who know things have advantages. Educated people are able to learn more information and weave threads of information and knowledge together and form new ways of doing things.

Part of the shifting cultural landscape is not just access to information but the requirement to share more information and knowledge. This undiscussed expectation of masculinity is real.

I’m not going to go all out deep-dive into this topic today, but I’m noticing the trend.

On the positive side, men do need to be servant leaders, to be humble, and to have more ability to love and serve than power at their disposal. I believe this is the way of my hero, Jesus. This gets us into the attitude of knowing and being known as we discussed above and this is an opportunity for healthy masculine growth.

On the negative side, the cultural shift has waves and people who demand more than ask for conversations. Ironically, many who have not had the freedom to express themselves and now are doing so freely, believe retracting the rights of others is the way forward.

Human history shows that even in modern times, whiplashes of social struggle rip people apart and leaves less and less room for dialogue.

I want to be a man of humble dialogue seeking to know and be known.

Well, I don’t have a solution, but it’s an area worth watching, thinking about, and learning. Let’s be men who know how to use friendship skills to build bridges with those who don’t like, know, or understand us.