Hey there, you are doing great! 😉

In this issue we will:

• Scan the problem of men losing the number of friends

• Learn about the Speed of Trust in our friendships

• Reflect on our own comfort with trust

• Learn a skill to build trust at your own speed

• Action Corner—suggestions to build trust

• 3 more online resources for you to check out

Let’s Dive In!!!

Men are Losing Friends…FAST

Your life probably sucks to the degree your friendships suck.

Human beings are social creatures and we are made to share life with each other. No matter how wonderful your wife, children, and mother-in-law are (and I’m sure they are AWESOME like mine), guys need to share their lives with other guys.

The problem of men losing their friends is a worldwide epidemic. I’ve surveyed publications from the UK, Australia, New Zealand, India, and the USA and the stats show a world that is growing more isolated—even as we are more tethered with technology.

The American Survey Center has an excellent article measuring the rapid loss of friendship. Here are some quick highlights:

• In 1990, 55% of men reported having six (6) or more close friends; in 2020, only 27% of men had 6 or more friends.

• 15% of men report not having a single friend—5x’s as much (3%) as the levels in 1990.

• People with 3 or fewer friends report significantly higher levels of isolation and loneliness.

• People with 10 or more friends report significantly lower levels of isolation and loneliness.

My experience: It sucks to be lonely and alone, especially when you are around people, but not with people.

Not all friendships are created equal, and not every friend will be a Best Friend Forever. However, having a healthy social circle with a number of different types of friendships is a mark of a healthy man.

This is one lens of the problem. One part of the solution…build trust with new acquaintances, Friends, Best Friends, and Best Friends Forever.

The Speed of Trust and Personal Stories

I have friendships that sparked in a moment and some that grew over several years. You and I are NOT going to hang out with someone who makes you grind your teeth and wish you were deaf.

Have you ever had a conversation that draws out your inner caveman? In your head (and sometimes they escape) you make a number of guttural responses while another guy is talking. My favorites are: “Uh-huh,” “Nope,” “Ummm,” “Ahhh,” and other sounds of exasperation.

All my caveman sounds mean some level of: Seriously, I’m not interested and I can’t find a good way to escape. Please stop.

Friendships are formed around attraction and trust.

So, let’s assume your hanging out with another guy and having a good conversation.

Where the friendship goes depends on how fast you and your new buddy trust. There are two parties building trust. Think of it like two construction crews building a bridge from opposite sides and meeting in the middle.

Like all construction projects, some move fast and others move slowly.

Think of a name of someone who fits one of the Speed of Trust categories.

• The “Click!”

  You and your buddy hit it off instantly and it seems like you have known each other for a long time. You both start sharing stories about yourselves and it’s no big deal.

• The Frying Pan

  You guys hang out and you find yourselves doing more things together. Every time you see each other, it’s a good time. Stories about yourself flow easily and are freely exchanged back and forth.
  

• The Grind

  You’ve made a friend and regularly see each other. Maybe your school, work, church, sports league, or dance club buddies, but your group of friends becomes individuals. You share and get stories slowly as you get to know each other. Some guys take bigger risks in the group than others by sharing stories first. Eventually, some stories and guys click with each other on different levels.

• The Slow Cooker

  Some grind friends take a loooong time to get to know. You slowly appreciate more about this dude you see all the time. It takes time, maybe years, to get to know the core (and to trust this guy with some of your stories). Think of the guy who you tolerated for a long time and one day you realized you kinda like him...and he knows you.

• The Rear View Mirror

  You look back over time and some friendships pop up. Guys who you’ve lost contact with and who were great friends. Guys who you now understand better and decide are better friend candidates than you first thought. This can also be the guy you never expected to appreciate and like, but now respect and want to understand better.

The Friendship Speed of Trust is equal to the rate at which you and your friend give AND receive personal stories.

My Speed of Trust & Sharing Stories

Several factors come into our ability to give and receive personal stories. Obviously, it’s personal. Personal carries some baggage and is a loaded term for all of us.

The whole idea of a friendship is to share the baggage and the load with a worthy person. And be the worthy person for your friend.

Stop for a moment and think about things that affect your personal story-sharing and receiving habits.

• Personality—Do you naturally want to share things about yourself?

• Family—Does your family regularly share stories about themselves with you?

• Culture—Is your culture a storytelling culture? Do your people appreciate personal stories? Do men regularly share stories in your culture?

• Deep words—How comfortable are you with emotional words? Do they bring freedom or cringe?

• Trauma and Tragedy—Did something happen to you that makes you more like a turtle?

You have a unique set of circumstances that allow you to share who you are with friends. On the flip side, your buddies also have this same stuff filtering their stories.

You may not know you have such a storytelling filter. But your story filter is alive and working to protect you. How you control your filter affects the quality and speed of stories that you share with your friend. The same filter also affects how well you hear and empathize with your friends’ stories.

The speed of trust can be changed by you and your friend. How?

🔑 Telling Personal Stories—You Can Do It! 🔑

Be vulnerable first and share a story about yourself. It can be anything, but to make it easy, just think of the first time you ________________:

• Rode a bike

• Lost a pet

• Pulled a prank

• Lost a bet

• Won a game

• Ate your favorite food

• Saw your favorite movie

• Failed

• Succeeded

• Had a date

Some of these are easier than others for you to tell. That’s cool. Just tell a story and don’t expect anything in return. Show a little bit of your soul. In other words, be the first one to trust.

That’s what being vulnerable is all about—going first. Take up the challenge to be a good friend and share a part of your soul (just a little bit) in a personal story.

If you have a good friend, they will receive your story with honor…and might even tell you a story in return.

The Action Corner

🛑 STOP—Spending time with people who you don’t trust with your stories. They aren’t your friends.

🟠 SLOW DOWN—Think about your natural speed of trust. Look at your motives for sharing stories. Do you tell more or listen more? Do you want to learn something about your friend? Are you telling stories to share your soul or to impress?

🟢GO—Write down a “first-time” story and tell it to a friend.

🟢GO BONUS: Email me [email protected] with this sentence: I am going to tell my ___________ story to _____________ this week. I will email you next week and see how it went.

3 Resources For You

Trusting other Men is Necessary

Wayne M Lavine, a men’s coach and author, shares the necessity of trusting men in this guest blog post at the Art of Manliness. The article is not very long and gives some short, practical ways to become a trustworthy friend.

Does trusting someone really pay off?

Well, it can blow up spectacularly in your face. It can also save your life. The risk of being vulnerable is life-changing. We can have scars (or leave on on someone else) when trust is violated.

But there’s just no other path for growth as humans. We are made as social beings and need to trust and grow with other people. Here’s a Reader’s Digest article with 10 stories of the positive outcomes of trusting the word of another person.

Quote Corner

A short quote can grab your attention and make you think. Here are a few about trust I found to jog your mind and heart. If quotes help you think, do a Google search and read a few more quotes. (Bonus points if you can write down something you learned from the quote session.)

“It is more shameful to distrust our friends than to be deceived by them.”– Confucius

“When he in whom you confide is one who does not fail his friends, you may trust him fully.”– Confucius

“The shifts of fortune test the reliability of friends.”– Marcus Tullius Cicero

“Be courteous to all but intimate with few; and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.”– George Washington

“Love sometimes injures. Friendship always benefits. After friendship is formed you must trust, but before that, you must judge.”– Seneca

“But when you are looking at anyone as a friend when you do not trust him as you trust yourself, you are making a grave mistake, and have failed to grasp sufficiently the full force of true friendship.”– Seneca

Pass along this email to someone you know who could find it useful.

That’s it for this week!!! See you next Sunday.

Jared