Exciting Butterflies & Easy Conversation

🛀 Hi Friend! You’re Doin’ Great!!! 🛀

Today we dive into the 2nd part of Friendship DNA: We Like Our Friends.

Like, or we will say attraction, is the first step to forming a healthy attachment to our friends. The second, which we will briefly discuss, is Connection. Forming healthy attachments to other humans is normal for all humans.

We will begin to demystify the idea and process of attachment in male friendships.

Inside this issue of Men’s Friendship Factor:

• Healthy Male Attraction

• Getting Through Hard Times Together

• Dentists, Heroes, and Therapists are not Healthy Friends

• Who You Like Can Change

• Fatal Attractions

• Connection

• Action Corner

• 3 + 1 Resources For You

Healthy Male Attraction

You are attracted to other guys.

Let’s just get this out of the way and stop thinking this has something to do with sexuality, it’s weird, or something we don’t talk about together. You like something about other guys. It could be a number of things:

• Wisdom

• Humor

• Intelligence

• Work Ethic

• Etc.

Attraction just means you like someone and want to spend more time with them.

Do a very quick exercise. Think of three friends and two character traits they have in common. Congratulations! You’ve just identified part of your “Guy Friend Type.”

Guys who like each other want to 1) spend time together and 2) get to know the other person. It’s pretty simple so let’s not complicate it. You just like some guys more than others.

Getting Through Hard Times Together

The “Like Factor” of a friendship helps you to get through difficult moments.

You will disagree, fight, misunderstand, say wrong things, and be an idiot in a few different moments. And your friend is going to do the same thing. Congratulations, you both are normal.

When you genuinely like the other guy it soothes those tough moments.

If I have two friends who offend me in the same way, I’m going to get over it faster and easier with the friend I like more. You will do the same because we are all human.

Dentists, Heroes, and Therapists are not Healthy Friends

(Go with the analogy for a moment and then we’ll pick it apart, okay?)

Bad Feelings—I always get nervous when I go to the dentist. I have good teeth and I’ve not had a cavity since grade school, but I get nervous.

Why would I want that type of experience with a friend? If you don’t like someone or get nervous when you are in a situation with another guy, why work so hard to make that person a friend?

Life is too short to not enjoy our friendships.

Too Needy—Do you know a guy in a bad friendship who wants to give or receive too much help? We all need help from our friends and need to share what is happening in our hearts, minds, and souls. That’s not what I’m talking about. It’s okay to have needs and meet your friend’s needs.

No, I’m talking about the guy who needs to be a hero and save others without ever being in need of saving. I’m also talking about the one who always needs to be saved and never helps his buddies.

This dynamic can feel okay and function at a certain level. But it takes mutual Controlled Vulnerability to have healthy friendships.

Who You Like Can Change

Growing up and getting older can give you a surprise or two.

The type of friends you made in grades school changed as you got older. For some of us, we moved and that changed things. For most of us, our early friends drift into different groups as we get older.

Two things can happen to us that change our friendships

1) Life Matures Us—Losses, successes, geographic moves, and more soften, break, shape, and reform our thinking and emotions. When this happens, we are open to new types of attractions and connections with other men.

Think of loss and grieving this way. The damage hits us and like a tree, we grow around it and it becomes part of who we are. We always have the experience with us and if we are healthy, it becomes a unique aspect of our being. If we are not healthy, then disease and rot can enter and eventually destroy us.

Both sides of loss are a potential we take into a friendship. Make sure you are a healthy mature person and not just old and diseased.

Give yourself permission to move into healthier friendships that are more fun.

2) Being With People—I have been in groups with guys who did not like each other. When they spent more time together they started to appreciate the other person and eventually become friends. And yes, I’ve been one of these guys and made good friends with people I never imagined I could enjoy being around.

But, and you know where this is going because it has probably happened to you, but, when we keep showing up, sharing who we are, and allowing every person a chance to grow—unlikely friendships form.

Fatal Attractions

“Fatal Attraction” can happen in friendships, too.

We touched on this last week talking about the importance of Knowing our friends and protecting ourselves. I have made friendships that were not healthy for me or my family. Through pain, those friendships have ended or been reduced in scope.

I’m trying to keep things like this in mind when I’m strongly attracted to a person.

• Not everyone will be a best friend.

• The person may not be good for me.

• Sometimes I’m drawn to people for not-healthy reasons.

• Opposites don’t always attract.

• Avoid the “I've-found-my-missing-piece” thinking and buzz.

🤔 On a related note, I might send these bullet points to my dating-aged kids. Because making friends for life is a commitment that ebbs and flows like marriage.

And attraction alone will not sustain your friendship for decades.

Quick Word on Connecting

The type of connection we are making with our friends is the measure of healthy attraction. Connections go deeper than liking someone. Think of attraction/liking to the door that gets you into the house.

The “Rescue/Victim” friendship makes connections that are not healthy. Introverts who hang out with Extroverts so they do not have to talk are not making healthy connections. The People Pleaser fawning over an aggressive person is not making a healthy connection.

You get the point.

We’ve seen these types of friendships, and have probably been in one or more like them, and know the difference between healthy and not healthy connections.

Some brief thoughts about healthy connections.

• “Connection provides a transfer of grace between two friends.” Dr. John Townsend, How To Be a Best Friend Forever

• Feeling less alone, happier, more thoughtful, and more connected to yourself and the world are signs of a healthy connection

• Connection happens when two friends are vulnerable and open with each other.

We will deep dive into this area another time and talk about attachment.

Action Corner

🔴 STOP—Unhealthy friendships you have based on unhealthy attraction. No matter how much you like a friend if healthy connections are not forming just stop. If you are doing things that go against your conscious or damaging your heart, mind, soul, or family in some other way because of a guy you like, STOP. He is not your friend.

🟠 SLOW DOWN AND THINK—What’s your friend type? What do your closest friends have in common? Do you have friends who are closer to you than people who make you happy to be around? Who is someone you would tell a “secret story” to?

It’s cool to have a friend type. Maybe they are nerds and geeks or they are hikers and bikers. No matter—they are your people.

🟢 GO—Tell a friend you like them. We need to remind each other that we are likable. Don’t go shoot yourself in the foot and say something too flowery. You can pay a compliment, share how they make you feel appreciated, or just say, “Man, I like you the way you are. Thanks for being my friend.”

All of us need nice reminders.

3 + 1 Resources For You

How To Be A Best Friend Forever by Dr. John Townsed is an incredible tool. Yes, I’m using his framework for part of what I write. But more than that, the book encouraged me that friendship does not need to be a mystery. I began to think about the tools I’m making for you and others because of his work. Get a copy if you can.

I’m reading the book Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help you Make and Keep Friends by Dr. Marisa G. Franco. I’m liking some of the principles in it and I’ll be sharing bits and tips in weeks and months to come. This article she wrote about making friends as adults is a good place to start. The article has links to research and other articles for further reading.

Reduce your chances of dying early by 50%. Not a diet, exercise, or ultra-disciplined life. No—you need a healthy social network. The research is from 2010, but further studies especially around heart disease confirm their findings.

The +1 this week is only for newsletter readers. If you would like to join a virtual meet-up and get to know a few other readers, drop me an email. I will schedule a time that fits all of those who respond. On a selfish note—I’d love to connect with all of you!

That’s a wrap for this week!

I write a lot of bite-sized pieces about friendship on Twitter. You can join those discussions by following along. Here’s my profile.

See ‘ya next Sunday!

Jared