3rd Strand of Friendship DNA: Presence

🌶️ Hey, Friend! Your Doin’ Great! 🌶️

I know this is really simple but: spending time together is how we get to know and like each other.

So why don’t we do more of it?

That’s what we are talking about this week.

This week in Men’s Friendship Factor:

• 3 Resources

• What Pictures Tell Us About Men That You Already Know

• Ways to Spend Time Together (IRL—In Real Life)

• Ways to Spend Time Together Virtually

• How To Measure Your Presence

• Action Corner

• A Lesson From Ghana

3 Resources For You

1—Excellent Podcast on the State of Men and Boys

I’ve started following Richard Reeves on Twitter. He is a Brookings Institute scholar focusing now on the problems facing men and boys in the USA. Ezra Klein talks with Dr. Reeves for nearly 2 hours about some of the issues around boys and men.

One of the biggest takeaways from their discussion comes toward the end of the podcast. Reeves notes how men need formal cultural patterns establishing what it means to be a man more than women need those types of inductions, institutions, and instructions.

This is part of why I write about Friendship. We can make friends in a number of settings and help other men do the same.

I will listen to this one again.

2—Long form article on Friars and Addicts

The Franciscan Friars of Atonement at St. Christopher’s Inn sits across the river from West Point serving men recovering from addiction. The center is seeing more severe problems facing men and is transitioning from a 90 Day treatment facility to a One-Year treatment program.

Maggie Phillips shares about the unique addiction facility and dives much deeper into the problems facing men. She points to many studies and resources you can dive into.

3—Papa

Papa is a business connecting retired adults with Gen Zers looking for work. The mutual companionship is pretty cool. I’ve pointed this out before, but it is worth exploring the ideas around and behind their work. I’m not an affiliate or anything like that—but I’m a fan of their work.

What Pictures Tell Us About Men That You Already Know

Anthropologists examined photos of men and women and found something interesting.

The photos were of people of all ages, on every continent, and across most economic backgrounds. Researchers targeted photographs of small groups of men and how compared them to photos of small groups of women.

They found guys were mostly seated and relating to each other shoulder to shoulder and women were looking at each other face to face.

Male friendship intimacy is different than how women’s friendship intimacy. Men generally spend their time together doing something. Playing poker, chasing golf balls, going to a religious group, camping, or something. At the very least we usually like to eat and talk!

Our presence together needs to go beyond sharing an enjoyable activity. But—this is key—it is a great place to start making friends.

Don’t Take It For Granted! Some Simple Truths about Presence

I often take the simple and obvious things in life for granted.

I take all my electricity and electronic communication for granted—until the power goes off. Breathing air is very nice and normal—until harmattan hits Ghana and I breathe red dust. Or if I follow one of my teenage boys into the bathroom.

Spending time with people in quantity and quality makes relationships easier and better. I don’t think much about it—until I’m lonely.

The phone calls don’t come. The email box is empty. No Zoom meetings are scheduled. Nobody has dropped by my house for a few weeks.

75% of men in the UK report that aside from their spouse/partner, no one asks them, “How was your week?”

Guys, we know have to take ownership of our own presence in our friendships. Show up first. Be the leaders. You already know it is good for your buddy.

A great thing happens when we go first in a relationship. Maybe it is the best thing about being human. Our friends reach back to us and feed our souls.

Don’t take it for granted.

Ways to Spend Time Together (IRL—In Real Life)

You already know what you like to do.

A sport, theater, eating, church, work, camping, reading, video games, walking, writing, playing with ChatGPT … the list of things we guys like to do is long.

Here’s a question: How can you invite a friend to do something with you?

That’s step one and it’s really simple.

Invite a friend to go and do something. Now here is where we go from being around people we like doing something we like to build a friendship.

Think of a story you want to share with your buddy that you’ve never told him before. Tell him what you learned about yourself.

Go a step deeper, and ask him a question about his childhood. Anything. Something simple, “Did you play baseball?” will keep a conversation going.

Your Easy Plan:

1. Invite a buddy to do something you like

2. Get a story ready to share

3. Have a question ready to ask

Owning your friendship is not complicated.

Ways to Spend Time Together Virtually

Social media is a two-edged connection sword and AI is sharpening the sword.

My quick take. Virtual communication is a tool we can use to make and build friendships. However, there are certain pieces of human interaction and communication that happen only in real life. Studies show that even Zoom calls are more difficult than phone calls. Why? Our brains are trying very hard to read non-verbal and verbal cues. In a 2-Dimensional world, like a Zoom call, its hard to do.

The Good—Making A Friend

I have friends I only know from the internet. Friendships, like every friendship, are different. I’m Gen X and I am skeptical about a lot of things, especially how well I can know someone and be known through a screen.

I find that it is harder and takes longer to make quality friendships online.

I also find people can disappear very quickly.

The Better—Keeping In Contact

I LOVE using technology to keep in touch with old friends and new friends I’ve met in person. I love email. I love calling people. I love virtual chatting. Honestly, it keeps me sane. Most of you know that I live in Ghana and I’m from the USA. So I am very, very happy with the technology we have in the 21^st century.

NOTE: Because I know my friends in person (IRL) technology I’m not guessing about their intentions. I don’t have as much anxiety. I trust they have my best interest in mind. I know that when I go to the USA, I can track them down and have a cup of coffee with them.

Now, for the other side of the communication sword...

The Danger—Imagination

Imagination fills the gaps left by virtual communication and that can be extremely dangerous. Whether it is text or video-based digital communication, there are gaps in conversation. Good writers know this and create curiosity gaps and tension in articles, stories, and books. Great writers use those tools to make a memorable story.

Human minds naturally fill the void created by a question. Digital conversations create voids in our human mind and we rush to fill them with information and our own understanding. Our imagination gets involved and suddenly, humans, especially young men, and women without a healthy social network imagine all kinds of things that are untrue about themselves, others, and the world where we live.

The Bigger Danger—Accountability

But the biggest problem is the lack of digital accountability. Work has evolved to account for hours using a computer, and software thus staying on task. But we are talking about social relationships.

Most people online are great human beings. Here’s the problem for great guys we talk with on the internet (including me—the guy writing this digital newsletter): I will make a mistake and it’s very hard for you and me to clear up the situation. Why? Our social norms for addressing a problem are not in force which makes it difficult to follow a person and hold them accountable.

I know I’m going in the weeds a bit on this discussion—but gentlemen—we have to—we have to be healthy in this area of our lives and help young men do better, too.

How To Measure Your Presence

I like to know if I’m doing something right. Checklists. Guides. Rules. Handbooks. Those are tools to let me know I’m at least doing the right things.

How is a guy supposed to know if he’s creating the deep friendships we crave?

We don’t see as many models and stories in our day and age tend to be movies and not books or sagas exploring the depths of feelings we have for other men but never say out loud.

I am creating a Friendship Audit for guys. Here are a few things that will be integrated.

The point is simple: Am I wasting my time on this friendship?

Not every friendship you pour yourself into is going to give a healthy return. That makes sense with stocks, bonds, IRAs, and 401(k)s, and it’s true for our relationships. Remember the girls you wanted to date or dated for a short time? One of you was not as much into the other person. Harsh. Simple. True.

The “Right” Amount of Time

John Townsend in Best Friends Forever offers three measures of the right amount of time we are spending with a friend.

1) Caught Up

Do we know what is going on in each other’s lives? Have you shared about work, family, jobs, health, and other mundane things that affect and shape both of you?

2) Connected

Do you feel attached to your friend even when you are not together? This is a measure of intimacy, the presence you feel from your friend when you are together and apart.

3) Honest

Are you both sharing what is really going on in your lives? For best friends, you both need to open up about the difficult and ugly as well as the bold and the beautiful.

Two Way Conversations

Presence is all about having two-way, double-sided, equal conversations. This is an overall balance of your conversations with your friends. One conversation or a season of conversations may focus on him as he goes through something.

Make sure the conversation ebbs and flow equally or you will be left high and dry.

Beginnings Require More Time

Early-stage friendships form attachments and need more of your presence. Not just taking up physical space, you need to be present with and for your friend as you get to know one another.

Note if you are moving forward and deeper. Budget your time based on the importance of the new friendship in relation to the rest of your life.

More is Better!

Don’t hold back on a good thing!!! Extra quality and quantities of time are a great measure of your presence and being with your friends. When you find yourself holding back, examine if it is you, the person, or the direction of the friendship.

Don’t let your anxiety hold you back from a rich friendship.

Action Corner

🔴 STOP—Only being a “side-by-side” friend.

Make the effort to go beyond sitting next to a friend and with the hope and prayer that you are both good friends. In your mind, think about “face-to-face” conversations of knowing him better and sharing more of your heart with your friend.

🟠 SLOW DOWN—Is technology serving more as a place and mode of escape or a connection? 

Think about how you use technology to stay in touch with your friends. How can you take ownership and lead in a friendship using digital tools?

What do you need to remove from your digital diet to be more accessible to friends and family?

🟢 GO, GO, GO—Spend time in person with a friend this week. Share a personal story to share that your friend has never heard before. Bonus points for sharing the same story with more than one friend! : )

Evaluate a friendship with the ideas in this newsletter. Focus on where to be more intentional with your time, vulnerability, connection, and honesty.

A Lesson From Ghana

Funerals are a really big deal in Ghana.

People spend vast amounts of money and time remembering and celebrating departed family members. Culturally, much of this is an extension of ancestor worship from African Traditional Religion and the role departed ancestors play in the spirit realm.

But, that is not what I’ve learned about funerals.

I’ve learned how important it is to just be present with a friend in a time of grief.

When news comes of a loved one passing away, friends drop everything and sit with their grieving friends. They leave work, sometimes for days, just to sit and maybe help around the house.

Sometimes being physically present is enough.

That’s a wrap for this week!

I write a lot of bite-sized pieces about friendship on Twitter. You can join those discussions by following along. Here’s my profile.

See ‘ya next Sunday!

Jared