3 Ways Society Influences Male Friendships You Might Not Even Know

🤿 Hey, Friend! You’re Doin’ Great! 🤿

_{OOOPS—I scheduled this on the wrong Sunday. Have a good week!}

Every man feels the push and pull of social norms.

Western culture is making many changes in a relatively short amount of time. Living in Africa, I can tell you from first-hand experience that men’s roles are not changing as quickly. Further, it is a topic used by Muslim extremists, China, Russia, and others to stir fear and anger.

I will be writing about social constructs and masculinity quite a bit in the coming years. I’m already working on some ideas about friendship in the Age of AI. I firmly believe Gen X will have to rise up (again) and help young men learn how to make meaningful friendships.

Abraham Lincoln had a deep friendship with Joshua Speed. I read about the way they spent time together, shared a bed for years before they were married, helped each other through massive depression, and openly shared their feelings and I’m sad. I’m not sad for Lincoln. I’m sad for us.

I am reading a Ph.D. dissertation by Gerard Williams about Male Friendship and I’ve been listening to interviews and reading articles by Richard Reeves from the Brookings Institute. My thoughts for today’s newsletters are influenced by them and what I’m noticing about Artificial Intelligence conversations on Twitter.

Here we go!

Today’s Men’s Friendship Factor Newsletter:

• AIDS, Homophobia, and Male Friendships

• Feminism and Poor Males

• Trust and “Self-Disclosure”

• Action Corner

• Resources

AIDS, Homophobia, and Male Friendships

Gerard Williams begins his dissertation citing several studies beginning in 1981 through the early 2000s. Homophobia is a large influencer on male friendship.

Skipping past the studies, I want to talk to you as a Gen X child of the 80s and 90s. My reaction to seeing this in black and white as a 48-year-old is complicated.

I’m a kid who grew up in the fear of AIDS. Yes, I grew up in the midwest, going to church, and being conservative, but that is not the fear I’m talking about. I remember being in Jr. High and High school and we were afraid AIDS could kill us. I remember the horror of finding out Magic Johnson had AIDS and I’m still amazed he is alive. I understand the medical breakthroughs and such, but my gut reaction still goes back to being a kid and hearing all the problems about AIDS.

One of my best friends is gay. Over the years I’ve had to deal with my own homophobia, hidden attitudes, and latent fears and allow our friendship to grow.

I understand the fact that homophobia is a real contributing factor keeping men my age and older from deep friendships. It’s a fact that we need to deal with in a healthy way.

A bit of good news!

Studies show something pretty interesting about group thinking. For example. my friends will be more positive towards gay men because I am friends with a gay man. Friendship is the social construct that changes our attitudes towards people who are not like us.

Our journey into rich, deep male friendships comes with some baggage. Don’t worry, we’ll all carry it, shed it, and celebrate it together.

Feminism and Poor Males

I’m reading Richard Reeves's “Of Boys And Men” and it’s fascinating. Reeves is a Brookings Institute Scholar and through data, found how many men and boys are being left behind.

Women needed Tile XI and other social structural changes to gain equality with men in the 1970s. Women still hold fewer top corporate positions than men.

But things have drastically changed for poor men.

• Low-income men, especially black men, are losing economic power and freedom

• Men are 4x more likely to commit suicide. That’s right. The single biggest indicator you might die by suicide is being male.

The data is fascinating, but I want to go a little deeper.

The dwindling middle-class and lower classes of men are losing to women. It’s a fact. It shows up in education scores, graduation rates from high school and college, wages, and more.

It’s not the fault of women. The shortcut to these structural problems in our society has been for people like Andrew Tate and others to give misogynistic rants. Women are not the problem.

Our best response is to help men get into a healthy social structure. The best one I know, the one you can affect today—is friendship.

I’m not a radical optimist for social engineering. Western culture has a short view of history and overestimates the ability of humanity. I’m a radical optimist for friendship. Friends that can grow together with whatever social changes come in the West and the rest of the world.

I encourage you to “Do For One What You Wish You Could Do For All” and make a friend with an at-risk man.

Trust & “Self-Disclosure” for Men

News Flash. Men don’t like to do this as much as women.

Gerard Williams uses “self-disclosure” in both a professional setting as a counselor and also the informal opening of our souls between friends. The studies he cites give evidence that men do not open up as much as women.

Except, I don’t think that is 100% true.

Men want, need, and have the capacity to be open and transparent with their friends. I do think (and studies prove this to be true) our social structures inhibit the freedom boys have in making intimate friendships.

I’m friends with several of you receiving this email and I enjoy sharing things with you that I don’t tell everyone. I like visiting the USA and sitting with you and hearing things that you don’t share with others. Honestly, it’s my favorite part of home assignments.

We need friends and we want to trust and “self-disclose.”

I thought of a few barriers, and I know there are more, that keep men from opening up.

• Trust vs. Fight—Our natural fight or flight tendencies

• Shifting Masculinity—On one hand, we don’t want to offend people, but we do get tired of keeping track of everyone’s ideas of what it means to be a “proper man.”

• Social Media & Cancel Culture—Thankfully, this looks like it is calming down. I’m not sure why I can’t say something wrong or flat-out stupid and never grow up. Again, it’s something we think about.

I know women have lists and my black friends have added stressors and my gay friend is afraid of saying things that will get him beat up.

My point is this—our society makes trust difficult. It’s why we need to fight back not with words, demonstrations, or outrage. We need to fight back with trust and love in the form of great friendships.

Action Corner

Only one thing this week. : )

What social pressure do you feel “lifts” when you sit down with your friends?

Notice it and talk about it with a friend this week. It just might be fun!

Resources

You can get Dr. John Towsend’s book How To Be A Best Friend Forever in Kindle form for $1.99 on Amazon. It’s the book that moved me from thinking about loneliness as a problem and friendship as the solution for men.

Richard Reeve’s Of Boys And Men is also available on Amazon. The book has great research and insights you’ll appreciate. A great conversation starter with young men.

I’m finishing a brand new resource, The Friendship Audit. All subscribers will get a free copy. My next research project: Friendship in the Age of AI.

Do you have a question or issue that I can research? I’m constantly reading and thinking about building great friendships and male roles in society. Drop me an email and I’ll get to work!

That’s a wrap for this week!

I write a lot of bite-sized pieces about friendship on Twitter. You can join those discussions by following along. Here’s my profile.

See ‘ya next Sunday!

Jared