3 Friendship Styles--One is the Healthiest

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another:
'What! You too? I thought I was the only one."
C.S. Lewis

I marvel at an 800-pound bull laying down and letting its owner tie its head and feet up after it lays down in a small truck.

Raising cattle in Northern Ghana is quite different than the cattle farm I grew up on in Southern Missouri. There are no fences so my neighbors stake a long lead rope and tie it around medium and full-grown bulls and cows. Castration is considered a big “no-no” and we don’t put up any hay.

The biggest difference is the amount of time the cattle spend with people. Yes, genetics plays a part in their disposition, but being around people all the time makes Ghanaian cattle “playful.” I’ve seen that is true for cattle in Southern Missouri, too. The best cattleman is the one who spends time with his herd.

This made me think, “How do you and I relate to people and, especially, our friends?”

Attachment Theory

John Bowlby noted the need humans have across cultures to have a solid identity and stable relationships. He further noted that relational success can be traced to how well a child bonds with their primary caregiver. The implications for children and adults grew into attachment theory, now widely used for psychoanalysis.

It turns out that humans and cattle both need good caregivers to have healthy dispositions.

Stable, Avoidance, Anxious

Three general patterns of relating to people emerge: avoid relationship risk, be anxious about all things in a relationship, or have a stable long-term view.

We can move among the three types, but which one do you find yourself gravitating towards?

Do you avoid invitations even when you want to go hang out with others?

Do you overcompensate and say “yes” to everything another person wants so that you can have a friend?

Do you take a long view and choose to see the best in others no matter the situation?

I recommend reading “Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make and Keep Friends” to think further about your natural state of making and keeping friends.